my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
