After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
