bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
