I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
