I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
