So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
