he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
