Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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