i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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