i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
