The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
