We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
