Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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