I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
