I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
