how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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