I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
