he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
