Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
