I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
