you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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