Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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