Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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