I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
