I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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