his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
