Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
