Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
