As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
