Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
she peed on how many people?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
