He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
