Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
