After last night, I could never be a politician.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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