I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
