I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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