I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
