if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
