im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
