So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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