I think I am morally bankrupt
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
