Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
