I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
