I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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