I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
