I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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