you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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