walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
