Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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