Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
