How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
